I didn’t go back to hear the conversations in Bella’s house. I didn’t lurk in the shadows, waiting to see how the elder would slander me. In truth, I was afraid of what I might do. And what I might do would not to help my standing with Charlie.
Why Charlie’s intentions bothered me so much was a mystery, even to me. I turned it over and over again in my mind all the way home. Because honestly, I’d come close to doing things to Bella that some people would say is even worse than using her. Killing her… for example.
Which reminded me… I had other things to worry about. Like Saturday. Like being alone with Bella, knowing that no one in the entire universe knew where she would be. No one human, anyway.
Another reminder… I needed to see Alice. I needed to see her visions of Saturday. To tell the truth, I wasn’t entirely sure I wouldn’t just snap if I were alone with Bella for that long. And I didn’t want to risk it if there was any chance I might slip.
Dead. Or a vampire. Alice’s two, very unacceptable endings. Neither would happen to Bella. Ever. Unwilling to look too far into the future, however—as doing so did nothing for me but bring up far too many troubling questions—I would just be sure that, in the very least, neither of them would happen on Saturday.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My Midnight Sun- Complications- Part 5
This one is a bit bigger than the last few, because it finishes off the chapter:
I cursed internally. I mentally slapped myself. I was so focused on Charlie’s thoughts that I missed the Quileute’s, even though he was the closer of the two. And it seemed he was not alone, either.
Right now he was focused on telling his son which house was Charlie’s, as the son seemed to be the one driving (and brimming with excitement to the point of distraction). The elder hadn’t seen me yet. And hopefully when he did, he wouldn’t recognize me.
“Not good.”
“What is it?” Bella asked, alarm in her voice.
“Another complication.”
I swung the door open abruptly and moved back to my own seat, likely too fast for a human movement.
I tried to ignore the thoughts from the kid, so that I could say goodbye to Bella. It was a little difficult, though… he was practically screaming them.
So glad I get to see Bella again. Can’t believe she thought I was sixteen. I think she likes me. Really seemed interested in my stories… can’t believe someone so pretty likes me so much. I wonder who she’s with, though. Probably just a friend. He sure has a nice car…
Ah, yes. The young Quileute. Didn’t Bella say his name was Jacob? Jacob Black. Ephraim Black’s descendant. Obviously the unfortunate soul who had the force of Bella unleashed upon him.
Then, to my utter dismay, I heard not only the father’s words, but regrettably, his thoughts.
“What’s he doing here?” He mumbled darkly, whether to himself or his son, I didn’t know or care. Presently, I was a bit more preoccupied by his thoughts.
A Cullen. How do they think they blend in? Dangerous. Even look dangerous. Wonder what the hell he wants with the Swans. Wait, is that Bella in the car, with him? Could have killed her! Must be waiting for the right moment. No, they haven’t broken the treaty yet, but I’ve never seen any of them associate with humans before, either. One can never be too safe, especially with Charlie’s own daughter. Course I can’t tell Charlie. Have to make up some story. A rumor or something. Tell him that the Cullen kid is interested in his daughter and has no good intentions…that’s true enough. Maybe some kind of bet… that he’ll take advantage of her and move on. No matter, I’ll make sure Charlie keeps his daughter away.
I’d heard enough. And our time was very brief now, besides.
“Charlie’s around the corner,” I said.
She gave me a quick smile of goodbye and jumped out. I could hear the conflicting emotions coming from the car at the sight of her. One of pure exultation, one of even greater fury.
I composed my face in hopes that Bella would not see the anger I struggled to restrain. Anger… because I could handle the truth better than those made-up lies. I could even handle the warning that I was dangerous. Probably safer for Bella if Charlie did worry about her. But I would not be content with him believing I would use Bella in that way. I would not be content with lies.
The moment Bella shut the door, I sped away.
I cursed internally. I mentally slapped myself. I was so focused on Charlie’s thoughts that I missed the Quileute’s, even though he was the closer of the two. And it seemed he was not alone, either.
Right now he was focused on telling his son which house was Charlie’s, as the son seemed to be the one driving (and brimming with excitement to the point of distraction). The elder hadn’t seen me yet. And hopefully when he did, he wouldn’t recognize me.
“Not good.”
“What is it?” Bella asked, alarm in her voice.
“Another complication.”
I swung the door open abruptly and moved back to my own seat, likely too fast for a human movement.
I tried to ignore the thoughts from the kid, so that I could say goodbye to Bella. It was a little difficult, though… he was practically screaming them.
So glad I get to see Bella again. Can’t believe she thought I was sixteen. I think she likes me. Really seemed interested in my stories… can’t believe someone so pretty likes me so much. I wonder who she’s with, though. Probably just a friend. He sure has a nice car…
Ah, yes. The young Quileute. Didn’t Bella say his name was Jacob? Jacob Black. Ephraim Black’s descendant. Obviously the unfortunate soul who had the force of Bella unleashed upon him.
Then, to my utter dismay, I heard not only the father’s words, but regrettably, his thoughts.
“What’s he doing here?” He mumbled darkly, whether to himself or his son, I didn’t know or care. Presently, I was a bit more preoccupied by his thoughts.
A Cullen. How do they think they blend in? Dangerous. Even look dangerous. Wonder what the hell he wants with the Swans. Wait, is that Bella in the car, with him? Could have killed her! Must be waiting for the right moment. No, they haven’t broken the treaty yet, but I’ve never seen any of them associate with humans before, either. One can never be too safe, especially with Charlie’s own daughter. Course I can’t tell Charlie. Have to make up some story. A rumor or something. Tell him that the Cullen kid is interested in his daughter and has no good intentions…that’s true enough. Maybe some kind of bet… that he’ll take advantage of her and move on. No matter, I’ll make sure Charlie keeps his daughter away.
I’d heard enough. And our time was very brief now, besides.
“Charlie’s around the corner,” I said.
She gave me a quick smile of goodbye and jumped out. I could hear the conflicting emotions coming from the car at the sight of her. One of pure exultation, one of even greater fury.
I composed my face in hopes that Bella would not see the anger I struggled to restrain. Anger… because I could handle the truth better than those made-up lies. I could even handle the warning that I was dangerous. Probably safer for Bella if Charlie did worry about her. But I would not be content with him believing I would use Bella in that way. I would not be content with lies.
The moment Bella shut the door, I sped away.
Monday, November 2, 2009
My Midnight Sun- Complications- Part 4
“I like the night,” she responded, off-handedly. “Without the dark, we’d never see the stars.” That little pucker returned between her eyebrows as it did when she put some thought into something. “Not that you see them here much.”
I couldn’t help my answering laughter. She was like a breath of fresh air; in some ways above her years, in others as innocent as a child. Where did she get such faith? I couldn’t get over the way she was always so sure it would all work out. And yet, I felt the need to give balance to that view. Practical matters must always be considered.
“Charlie will be here in a few minutes… so, unless you want to tell him that you’ll be with me Saturday…” I threw out, doubtful.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
If it wasn’t for the time of day, I knew my temper would have taken over. But right now I only thought it was sweet, her overdose of faith… even if misplaced faith.
She gathered her things and met my gaze again. “So is it my turn tomorrow, then?”
For a moment I couldn’t think what she was referring to, and then I remembered… of course, the questions. “Certainly not!” I retorted with mock fury, “I told you I wasn’t done, didn’t I?”
“What more is there?” she asked, genuinely perplexed.
I smiled. “You’ll find out tomorrow.”
I reached across her for the door handle, admittedly a shameful excuse to get close to her and feel the energy climb, my arm nearly brushing against her. But as I grasped it, I suddenly realized why the friend in Charlie’s thoughts was so strong, magnified.
He was coming home with Charlie now. Or, more accurately, he was in his own car and would be here before Charlie, before I had any hope of being gone. And, what’s worse, I figured out, too late, who the friend was.
I couldn’t help my answering laughter. She was like a breath of fresh air; in some ways above her years, in others as innocent as a child. Where did she get such faith? I couldn’t get over the way she was always so sure it would all work out. And yet, I felt the need to give balance to that view. Practical matters must always be considered.
“Charlie will be here in a few minutes… so, unless you want to tell him that you’ll be with me Saturday…” I threw out, doubtful.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
If it wasn’t for the time of day, I knew my temper would have taken over. But right now I only thought it was sweet, her overdose of faith… even if misplaced faith.
She gathered her things and met my gaze again. “So is it my turn tomorrow, then?”
For a moment I couldn’t think what she was referring to, and then I remembered… of course, the questions. “Certainly not!” I retorted with mock fury, “I told you I wasn’t done, didn’t I?”
“What more is there?” she asked, genuinely perplexed.
I smiled. “You’ll find out tomorrow.”
I reached across her for the door handle, admittedly a shameful excuse to get close to her and feel the energy climb, my arm nearly brushing against her. But as I grasped it, I suddenly realized why the friend in Charlie’s thoughts was so strong, magnified.
He was coming home with Charlie now. Or, more accurately, he was in his own car and would be here before Charlie, before I had any hope of being gone. And, what’s worse, I figured out, too late, who the friend was.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
My Midnight Sun- Complications- Part 3
“Charlie!” She exclaimed, and then sighed, as if sad. She’d apparently lost track of time as much as I had—so much for her put-out sham. “How late is it?” She asked unnecessarily as she looked at the clock on my dashboard and then back up at me, apprehension in her eyes.
A few more minutes. I leaned my head back against the headrest and made an effort to absorb this last moment with her. I looked her in the eyes and felt that hollow empty flip, the human taking over. The want of something other than blood… it was the time of night. Every night, for as long as I’ve been changed, I have a very brief amount of time… just as the sun begins to set… that I feel like I imagine I once felt, before I became a monster. How I longed for a world where I could be this way forever, where I could hold her—no interruptions, no danger, no hindrances.
“It’s twilight,” I said, almost reverently. With my heightened vision I could peer through the clouds in the west to discern that burning globe, so far away, almost fully over the horizon. I wondered if there were other suns setting on other worlds where it was possible for someone like me and such a fragile human to be together.
My thoughts wandered, maybe to places it shouldn’t… It was almost easy to think of being something other than vampire at this time, when the melancholy slipping of the day seemed to take with it all the uncomfortable appetites, the hunger, the pain… and replaced it with new ones.
I could feel her eyes on me. Intense, probing. I turned my eyes to meet hers.
“It’s the safest time of day for us,” I explained. “The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night.” Just another tally mark on the slate of non-existent time. “Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?” I smiled at the thought of some inconceivable change in the pattern.
And yet it happened to me. Bella came into my world, and it was truly as if, one night, the sun didn’t set.
A few more minutes. I leaned my head back against the headrest and made an effort to absorb this last moment with her. I looked her in the eyes and felt that hollow empty flip, the human taking over. The want of something other than blood… it was the time of night. Every night, for as long as I’ve been changed, I have a very brief amount of time… just as the sun begins to set… that I feel like I imagine I once felt, before I became a monster. How I longed for a world where I could be this way forever, where I could hold her—no interruptions, no danger, no hindrances.
“It’s twilight,” I said, almost reverently. With my heightened vision I could peer through the clouds in the west to discern that burning globe, so far away, almost fully over the horizon. I wondered if there were other suns setting on other worlds where it was possible for someone like me and such a fragile human to be together.
My thoughts wandered, maybe to places it shouldn’t… It was almost easy to think of being something other than vampire at this time, when the melancholy slipping of the day seemed to take with it all the uncomfortable appetites, the hunger, the pain… and replaced it with new ones.
I could feel her eyes on me. Intense, probing. I turned my eyes to meet hers.
“It’s the safest time of day for us,” I explained. “The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night.” Just another tally mark on the slate of non-existent time. “Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?” I smiled at the thought of some inconceivable change in the pattern.
And yet it happened to me. Bella came into my world, and it was truly as if, one night, the sun didn’t set.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
My Midnight Sun- Complications- Part 2
So I realized I need to make these shorter, being a blog and all. That way you can read the entire thing or just random small ones :) Here's the next section:
If my mood was somber before, it suddenly became lighter as I saw Bella stumble out the gym doors with a big smile on her face that seemed reserved just for me. I couldn’t help but return the smile, all worries dispelled for the moment by her pure and childlike joy.
In the mood of this moment, I commenced my questioning. She was more unreserved now when she answered, even animated, and I felt her joy settle into what might be left of my soul. Truly, I could spend the rest of my life watching her talk and I would be content.
I drove her home after school, bouncing questions off her all the way. The rain was heavier than usual, so for Bella’s sake I took extra care and drove ridiculously slow. We spent the rest of the afternoon in my Volvo in front of her house, talking until late. Nearly too late.
Time flew by, even for my world where time barely existed. It was just so calm and pleasant, listening to her voice above the noise of the torrential rain. And even though my senses discerned the ring of each raindrop individually as it made contact with the car and windshield, I’ve long since learned to tune it out. As my attention was focused on Bella, the vivid pinging was peaceful instead… the chords of an instrument playing in the outlying portions of my mind, providing background notes to the sound of her voice.
I was so focused, in fact, that I lost track of the time until I heard Charlie’s thoughts a short distance away…
Barely reserved excitement over something outdoors with friends, by a river—must be fishing, and the thought of one friend seemed somehow familiar, amplified…
Bella trailed off when she noticed that my attention was diverted. “Are you finished?” she asked, relief in her voice.
“Not even close,” I answered brightly, and then let my voice drop to a more sober note, “but your father will be home soon.”
If my mood was somber before, it suddenly became lighter as I saw Bella stumble out the gym doors with a big smile on her face that seemed reserved just for me. I couldn’t help but return the smile, all worries dispelled for the moment by her pure and childlike joy.
In the mood of this moment, I commenced my questioning. She was more unreserved now when she answered, even animated, and I felt her joy settle into what might be left of my soul. Truly, I could spend the rest of my life watching her talk and I would be content.
I drove her home after school, bouncing questions off her all the way. The rain was heavier than usual, so for Bella’s sake I took extra care and drove ridiculously slow. We spent the rest of the afternoon in my Volvo in front of her house, talking until late. Nearly too late.
Time flew by, even for my world where time barely existed. It was just so calm and pleasant, listening to her voice above the noise of the torrential rain. And even though my senses discerned the ring of each raindrop individually as it made contact with the car and windshield, I’ve long since learned to tune it out. As my attention was focused on Bella, the vivid pinging was peaceful instead… the chords of an instrument playing in the outlying portions of my mind, providing background notes to the sound of her voice.
I was so focused, in fact, that I lost track of the time until I heard Charlie’s thoughts a short distance away…
Barely reserved excitement over something outdoors with friends, by a river—must be fishing, and the thought of one friend seemed somehow familiar, amplified…
Bella trailed off when she noticed that my attention was diverted. “Are you finished?” she asked, relief in her voice.
“Not even close,” I answered brightly, and then let my voice drop to a more sober note, “but your father will be home soon.”
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
My Midnight Sun- Complications- Part 1
My Midnight Sun- Complications, cont.
Stephenie Meyer’s last paragraph:
“No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace.”
Mine:
Yet, there I was, running home to park my car so that I could run back again to be with her. If her father only knew… I smiled inwardly as I played out his reaction in my mind.
But of course, it would never come to that. I may not be able to read all of his thoughts, but I could read enough.
The greater danger was Bella, whose mind I had no access to. What if she woke to discover me there? Would it scare her?
Or would it please her?
I would be unprepared to deal with either reaction.
After I parked the car, I ran inside to change my clothes. I had no desire to stay. I went out through my window, the same way I came in. No one tried to stop me—most likely Alice warned them—and with my current mood, after days of listening to their opinions… it was probably a good thing.
I ran through the forest on the narrow path I’d made leading to Bella’s house. It wasn’t an obvious pathway, only a being whose senses were equal to a vampire’s would ever be able to see it, and then only if they were looking.
When I arrived, I could still hear noises in the house—the TV, some rustling in the kitchen—and Charlie’s vague thoughts of winding down, busy day at work tomorrow, need to find… something, something causing them all a great deal of worry at the station.
I waited in the periphery of the forest. Waited for another night… of stalking. I climbed up in a nearby tree and lay across the branches, trying not to think of how inexcusable it was, what I was about to do.
Again.
I tried unsuccessfully to focus on noises and thoughts emanating from the other houses to distract me from my unhappy ponderings, until I finally heard Bella tell Charlie goodnight. Not much longer. She usually fell asleep fairly quickly. Half an hour. Tops.
My thoughts could not be restrained, so, as I peered up at the gray-black sky through the gaps in the branches above, I begrudgingly entertained them.
Here was my trouble: there were two sides of me. First, the side I had been familiar with for over a hundred years, and secondly, there was the… emerging one.
From the first lusty scent of her blood, there was a war inside me. A battle. I would die. I would die without taking her blood into me, and I would die if I did. Because she was life. Life like I had never felt alive. It was an awakening. Something, in me, something forgotten. Unfamiliar. Foreign. Exquisite. But there was more. She was so much more.
To love a human… unthinkable. But there it was, so strange. She was resurrecting my human. My human, capable of… love.
These were the two sides of me, the two sides that were going to battle to the end and be the death of me if I didn’t find some way to reconcile them, soon: One. The monster. And two, the human.
When I slid open her window a little while later—Charlie must have oiled it before Bella came to live with him—it seemed she had fallen into a fitful sleep. I climbed in and sat for a few moments in the usual chair, having no other plan than to watch her just this one more time—well, and see if I couldn’t tap into her thoughts while her defenses were down. Yes, the monster was out. But it drove me crazy in the most distressing way, not knowing.
She turned my direction suddenly, and I flew to her closet.
“Edward… please…” she made a small movement with her hand, as if she were reaching out in her dream.
Did she see me? Impossible…
“Edward…” It trailed off. Her hand was now at rest. Her eyes were closed but I could see their rapid movements beneath her eyelids, and her lips quavered in unobtainable speech. I exhaled the moment I knew she was only dreaming. Dreaming… and I felt one corner of my lip twitch into a smile as it belatedly occurred to me that I was in them. Would this curiosity over her thoughts never cease to compel me?
Though my mind still screamed no more mistakes, the lure of her thoughts got the better of me. It always did.
Throwing caution out the open window, I slunk down to the floor and crawled over to her bedside, as if proximity alone would help me encroach into her thoughts. As soon as I was close, I felt the electricity begin to climb as it had done before, like some giant machine that had been turned on, warming up, escalating gradually but perceptibly in power. I regretted it at once. My human side regretted it, I should say. But the monster in me overruled for the moment—as usual—and I slowly breathed in her scent, feeling it burn. It was such a pleasant burn… I wondered if I could get even closer…
No more mistakes.
It was like a tug of war inside my mind, and it was driving me to madness. Forget about sending Bella to the institution. It would be I who would end up there. Yet, that would be better for her. If she only knew what was good for her, she would stay far away, forget I ever existed.
Deep down, I knew she never would… and that caused both triumph and misery to vie again for control.
Abruptly, she twisted to face the wall. I wondered if, somehow, even in her dream, she could feel the electricity between us.
When she flipped around yet again to face me, her eyes were open. I froze. She smiled sleepily at me.
Well, here it is. The moment I hoped would never happen, had no way to predict. But then she closed her eyes again, still smiling and mumbling something about questions. She thought she was still dreaming.
I really should leave… It was agony. Both the human and the monster enjoyed the current flowing between us, but for very different reasons. The monster—the part I was most afraid of—was far from tame. I was here, wasn’t I? And Bella, in her most defenseless state… I could see myself so easily making a mistake. It would just take such a little slip, really.
I shuddered at the thought.
But my human side—and this the source of my confusion—enjoyed the proximity for an entirely different reason. It was—in no small part—because of this that I gave in and drew close to her now. It wanted to be in control.
I wanted to be in control, because I loved her and didn’t want that to mean I had to leave her. I was a fool to chance it like this. Worse than a fool… I tried not to think of the word that described what I was. And yet, it was the other reason I came into her room at night. The human reason. I wanted to get used to the burn, the pull. The agonizing thirst. To force the monster into submission.
But it seemed to be disquieting her sleep, so I moved back to the rocking chair and reluctantly let my mind follow this path I have so recklessly embarked on to its potential conclusions. There were the two Alice saw, and one of them, I knew, was getting less likely all the time… but I must never let my guard down.
Constant vigilance.
And the other was unacceptable to me. How could she see only two endings? There must be a third. A better one for Bella. A way to love her and still keep her human.
I could never love her the way she deserved. The way a human should be loved. Because I was not human.
Still, I would love her all of her life, even if she didn’t choose me. I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t, of course, but I would let her choose. For the rest of her life, she could have as much or as little of me as she wanted. And when she was gone… humans have such a short life, really.
No matter. I couldn’t go on after that. All I could do then would be to annihilate my existence and hope for oblivion, or if I was lucky… if there really was any mercy for me…
Ah, but that train of thought only succeeded in depressing me. It was so much easier to push all thoughts from my mind, all worries, doubts, fears… and simply let myself be absorbed in the moment. Irresponsible. But oh, well. Hell and all that. Might as well embrace it.
But at least, I could be her guardian like no one else could. And I might as well enjoy hearing her call my name, and wondering what role I played in the substance of her dreams…
In the early morning hours I finally took pity on both her and myself and exited out her window.
But before I left, I hovered over her still-restless form, unable to pull myself from watching the twitching of her lips, wondering what she was saying. My hand moved toward her face, but I stopped and let it hover there, no more mistakes… the voice was getting weaker all the time… nevertheless, I did not touch her lip as I wanted to, but let it drift over to her hair, splayed out on the pillow. I touched it, reticently reached under it, let it spill over my fingers. And then instantly, I was gone.
I went home to get my car. Again, I had no need to see my family, tried to avoid them. I didn’t need any reinforcements of my stupidity by way of Rosalie. But even worse than the insults, Alice would be pleased. The more reckless I was with Bella, the more pleased she became, it seemed.
I waited around the corner for Charlie to leave, and then I pulled my car into her driveway. I let the car idle as I waited in eager anticipation. Today was my day. I would get to ask the questions. I would see how many answers I could predict, how many I could get right. It would be my own little game. If I couldn’t get inside her mind, I would get as close as possible.
I was still arranging the questions in my mind as she stepped from her house and walked up to my car. She paused a moment by the door before letting herself in; I felt my grip tighten on the wheel as I waited. What was going through her mind? I peered up at her face through the window to try to get a read on her, still not accustomed to these roundabout ways. Her face was wavering on mild panic, as if in only moments she would be Addressing the Nation, or something equally horrifying. And I also noticed the tired appearance of her features. I bit down on my cheek to stop myself from grinning broadly, transforming it into what I hoped was a smile of greeting.
“Good morning,” I said when she finally climbed inside. “How are you today?” I infused my question with meaning. Her eyes were puffy, poor girl.
“Good, thank you.” She smiled, and it seemed to take quite an effort.
“You look tired,” I suggested, gently.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said, and swung her hair around to cover her face.
I turned the key in the ignition, not even trying to hold back the grin that time. “Neither could I.” I stretched my arm over the top of her seat as I backed out.
She laughed. It was a wonderful sound, that laughter… though I still detected perhaps a bit of nervous energy.
“I guess that’s right,” she finally said. “I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did.”
“I’d wager you did.”
“So what did you do last night?”
A short bark of laughter escaped me. Oh, I don’t think so, sweetheart. What would she think if I actually told her? Oh, I was in your room, didn’t you know? I was right next to your bed, in fact, thinking how it would feel if I touched you, wanting to feel the burn again in not just my throat but on my skin too…
“Not a chance,” I answered instead, “It’s my day to ask the questions.”
“Oh that’s right,” she said. She glanced at me uncertainly and the crease between her eyes puckered in that endearing way. “What do you want to know?”
I searched my mind for which question I should start off with. It was a fairly precise list. I planned to start with the easy ones, the ice-breakers. Warm her up, and see how well I could guess at the trivial. Favorite color… my guess? Blue. It was a silly wish, perhaps, but I hoped I could guess right.
“What’s your favorite color?”
She actually had the audacity to roll her eyes at my question but she humored me, anyway. “It changes from day to day.”
So this is how she’s going to play.
“What’s your favorite color today?” I pressed.
“Probably brown.”
I almost laughed out loud—from surprise if nothing else—and my attempts to hold back resulted in a snort. “Brown?” I looked at the brown turtleneck she was wearing (much more elegant than yesterday’s sweater, incidentally, and the way it clung…) and wondered if she merely gave an easy, thoughtless answer.
“Sure,” she said. “Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that’s supposed to be brown—tree trunks, rocks, dirt—is all covered up with squashy green stuff here.”
I looked at her longer than I knew she was comfortable with while I was driving. But finally, I felt I’d caught some small glimpse inside.
Personally, I loved all the green, loved all signs of vibrant life in this existence I lived in, which, up until recently, had no life, no vitality.
But as I looked at her now, I was almost at one with her thoughts. Her hair, her eyes, the way her gaze alone delved deep into my long frozen being and somehow warmed my long frozen heart.
“You’re right,” I agreed. “Brown is warm.” Without thinking, I reached out and touched her hair, wanting to feel the silky smoothness once more against my stone skin. I hesitated, suddenly realizing this was something she didn’t know I had done before. Playing at nonchalance, I tucked a few strands gently behind her shoulder.
I could have stared forever at her, but as necessities always arose, I paid attention to my driving for a moment so I could park my car in the empty slot next to Rosalie’s.
Next question.
Music. Another easy one, I already knew she liked the classics. This time, however, I would not give her the chance to edit her answer.
“What music is in your CD player right now?” Let her sidestep that one.
When she silently confessed it was Linkin Park, I couldn’t help but smile.
I opened the compartment under my CD player and quickly selected the CD I hoped it was. I had quite a stack, but my lightning-quick reflexes didn’t disappoint.
“Debussy to this?”
I could see by her expression that I’d chosen well.
For the rest of the day, she was a willing—though occasionally diffident—participant to my endless stream of carefully prepared questions.
I liked to imagine I was getting better at guessing her answers as time went on, though I would occasionally find myself at a complete loss.
For example, when I asked a question that unexpectedly made her blush, it triggered my insatiable curiosity and sent me off on a whole new torrent of questions.
The question that made her blush was when I merely asked her what her favorite subject in school was, anticipating perhaps History—with her love of all things classical. That’s when she flushed. What about that question could embarrass her? I had to know. After probing, she finally, timidly, admitted it was Biology. When I hoped I understood the reason for her lovely reddening, I was very pleased. More specifically, the monster was pleased, even if the human was not.
Then, a little later, I asked her if she liked perfume, and what her favorite scent was (I had never smelled any perfume on her, but perhaps it was lost in her other, more potent, scent). Well, she blushed again, her eyes darting to the leather jacket slung over my arm. That confused me, but I probed no deeper. I worried that it was the cologne of some love interest she once had. Maybe I didn’t want to know.
My personal favorite answer of the day came when I was going through a line of rapid questioning where she seemed to fire off the first answer that hastened to her mind. I’d asked her what her favorite gemstone was and she immediately threw out Topaz, but then, as if in afterthought, blushed.
I absolutely had to know what about that embarrassed her. This was just too implausible a reaction to be ignored. I wondered how hard I would have to push to get it out of her.
I wasn’t going to take my chances. I turned on all the powers of persuasion I possessed, for they’d never failed me before, and I let my voice drop to its soft, almost liquid tone; I put pleading into my eyes, my voice…
She would not even look at me. I summoned everything I had. I tilted my head in hopes that she might spare me a glance. One more time—I begged.
It worked on everyone else walking by us in the hallway. They were captivated, boys and girls alike. I shook my head, trying to tune out their thoughts. But amazingly, Bella resisted. What is wrong with her?
I tried another tactic.
“Tell me,” I demanded, putting hard edged threats into my voice now.
She finally relented. “It’s the color of your eyes today,” she said in a hushed voice. Still, she wouldn’t look me in the eyes—which was probably good, because I was smiling. I was about to go on to the next question, but I was distracted by the way she used her finger to twirl a lock of hair. In my momentary preoccupation, she continued, “I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I’d say onyx.”
I took a disconcerting amount of pleasure in her discomfort and tried very hard not to laugh. I knew that would not make this any easier for her, and I wanted more of these admissions in the future. The best course of action would be to move on to the next question like it didn’t faze me at all.
“What kinds of flowers do you prefer?” Alice would be disappointed if I didn’t ask that one.
We continued in this way until I heard Mr. Banner’s thoughts just outside the Biology classroom. It took all I had not to moan out loud.
The video was to be continued. Tomorrow too, apparently. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I could handle the darkness again. That ever-tempting undercurrent of electricity that I knew would begin to flow with ever greater intensity…
Isn’t that what you want? The monster asked me.
But I knew that an excess of that pulsating energy could have the opposite effect. Instead of growing used to it, it would send me over the edge. My resolve might suddenly, inexplicably crack. And then it would be all over.
I sighed inwardly and scooted my chair just a little further away from Bella. Not that I could go far. Not that it would help at all.
Eternal torment. That’s what I was doomed to suffer.
I fought with these thoughts all through the movie, staring at Bella the entire time. I was conflicted, tormented above anything I had previously experienced before now… before some twisted fate placed a vulnerable innocent so unmercifully in the path of a predator.
A lamb in the path of a lion.
Bella never so much as glanced my direction for the duration of the movie. She seemed to really be watching it… intently. Didn’t she feel this? Maybe she was genuinely interested in the video—one could only hope. Whether that one hoping was me, or not, entirely depended on which side I was vacillating on in that fraction of a second.
She finally looked at me when the movie was over and the lights were turned back on. She smiled tentatively, but I could not read what was underneath the expression. So much for the hope that all these questions would ever get me inside her head.
My chair flew back as I stood to walk her to her next class. We walked in silence; I was still preoccupied with my tormenting thoughts, and she, for whatever reason, made no effort to converse. Maybe she was still thinking about the movie.
I hated to leave her as we stood in front of the gym doors. And then, when I heard her heart begin to speed up, and watched as her breathing picked up its pace almost imperceptibly, I was done for. Any resolve I felt before, concerning whether or not I would ever touch her again, was gone.
I had to touch her. I could never make myself leave her (in spite of my more noble intentions). And if I could never make myself leave her, then I could never make myself not touch her.
Torment. Pain.
I raised my hand, with deliberation this time—if I was going to do this I needed to be in complete control—and stroked her face with the back of my fingers down the length of her jaw.
Again, the flesh burned. Not just hers, but mine. Even with the back of my fingers I could feel her pulse speed, I could hear her vibrant heart… pounding. Pounding life through her veins—singing, urging, calling for me.
Enough. Wordlessly, I had to walk away.
I managed to pull myself together somewhat during English. I was beginning to hope again. Hope that maybe… given enough time and experience, I could control my reaction to the burning, both in my throat and what still lingered on my skin. I began to think that perhaps, though I did not believe for a second that the desire would ever lessen, I could control my reaction to that desire.
I remembered back to the days when I was a newborn, and how it was so impossible, then, to control my bloodlust. Look how far I’ve come from that.
I looked around myself and smirked at the thought. I would never have believed that one day I would be sitting here now, in a room full of warm, human bodies, some merely inches away from me, and feel almost no desire for them. Or, more accurately, a very small desire… nearly eradicated by another, more potent one. But still, if you took Bella’s blood out of the equation, it was nonetheless quite impressive that I was able to control myself in this situation.
Poor guy. In spite of the noises of all the thoughts surrounding me, Emmett’s had a way of piercing straight into mine.
It’s like he’s being tortured or something. Like, with one of them wicked torture devices… I know, the rack. And then he proceeded to produce a mental image of me, on a rack. Or going through the most major case of manic depression ever. That or split personality what-the-hell.
Where are you Edward!?
That one he meant to shoot at me.
I sighed, reflecting on how accurate his assessments probably were.
I had to face it someday, Emmett wasn’t the only one worried about me. It was the opinion of my entire family, and I knew it couldn’t go on like this for long, for me or for them. I would have to decide what I was going to do. Though, I knew it wasn’t really a decision at all. It was a cruel joke the universe was playing on me.
By the time I was walking to meet Bella after English, I’d made up my mind that the only choice I really had was to continue on this path I had been placed on… cautiously. There was no way but forward. I only hoped to know what to do with the lamb when I arrived by her side. The danger wasn’t gone. In fact the opposite seemed to be true. It was more present than ever… in some ways getting even stronger. And I also knew that like many things, it would probably get worse before it got better. I would just continue to hope for better. And in the meantime… constant vigilance.
Stephenie Meyer’s last paragraph:
“No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace.”
Mine:
Yet, there I was, running home to park my car so that I could run back again to be with her. If her father only knew… I smiled inwardly as I played out his reaction in my mind.
But of course, it would never come to that. I may not be able to read all of his thoughts, but I could read enough.
The greater danger was Bella, whose mind I had no access to. What if she woke to discover me there? Would it scare her?
Or would it please her?
I would be unprepared to deal with either reaction.
After I parked the car, I ran inside to change my clothes. I had no desire to stay. I went out through my window, the same way I came in. No one tried to stop me—most likely Alice warned them—and with my current mood, after days of listening to their opinions… it was probably a good thing.
I ran through the forest on the narrow path I’d made leading to Bella’s house. It wasn’t an obvious pathway, only a being whose senses were equal to a vampire’s would ever be able to see it, and then only if they were looking.
When I arrived, I could still hear noises in the house—the TV, some rustling in the kitchen—and Charlie’s vague thoughts of winding down, busy day at work tomorrow, need to find… something, something causing them all a great deal of worry at the station.
I waited in the periphery of the forest. Waited for another night… of stalking. I climbed up in a nearby tree and lay across the branches, trying not to think of how inexcusable it was, what I was about to do.
Again.
I tried unsuccessfully to focus on noises and thoughts emanating from the other houses to distract me from my unhappy ponderings, until I finally heard Bella tell Charlie goodnight. Not much longer. She usually fell asleep fairly quickly. Half an hour. Tops.
My thoughts could not be restrained, so, as I peered up at the gray-black sky through the gaps in the branches above, I begrudgingly entertained them.
Here was my trouble: there were two sides of me. First, the side I had been familiar with for over a hundred years, and secondly, there was the… emerging one.
From the first lusty scent of her blood, there was a war inside me. A battle. I would die. I would die without taking her blood into me, and I would die if I did. Because she was life. Life like I had never felt alive. It was an awakening. Something, in me, something forgotten. Unfamiliar. Foreign. Exquisite. But there was more. She was so much more.
To love a human… unthinkable. But there it was, so strange. She was resurrecting my human. My human, capable of… love.
These were the two sides of me, the two sides that were going to battle to the end and be the death of me if I didn’t find some way to reconcile them, soon: One. The monster. And two, the human.
When I slid open her window a little while later—Charlie must have oiled it before Bella came to live with him—it seemed she had fallen into a fitful sleep. I climbed in and sat for a few moments in the usual chair, having no other plan than to watch her just this one more time—well, and see if I couldn’t tap into her thoughts while her defenses were down. Yes, the monster was out. But it drove me crazy in the most distressing way, not knowing.
She turned my direction suddenly, and I flew to her closet.
“Edward… please…” she made a small movement with her hand, as if she were reaching out in her dream.
Did she see me? Impossible…
“Edward…” It trailed off. Her hand was now at rest. Her eyes were closed but I could see their rapid movements beneath her eyelids, and her lips quavered in unobtainable speech. I exhaled the moment I knew she was only dreaming. Dreaming… and I felt one corner of my lip twitch into a smile as it belatedly occurred to me that I was in them. Would this curiosity over her thoughts never cease to compel me?
Though my mind still screamed no more mistakes, the lure of her thoughts got the better of me. It always did.
Throwing caution out the open window, I slunk down to the floor and crawled over to her bedside, as if proximity alone would help me encroach into her thoughts. As soon as I was close, I felt the electricity begin to climb as it had done before, like some giant machine that had been turned on, warming up, escalating gradually but perceptibly in power. I regretted it at once. My human side regretted it, I should say. But the monster in me overruled for the moment—as usual—and I slowly breathed in her scent, feeling it burn. It was such a pleasant burn… I wondered if I could get even closer…
No more mistakes.
It was like a tug of war inside my mind, and it was driving me to madness. Forget about sending Bella to the institution. It would be I who would end up there. Yet, that would be better for her. If she only knew what was good for her, she would stay far away, forget I ever existed.
Deep down, I knew she never would… and that caused both triumph and misery to vie again for control.
Abruptly, she twisted to face the wall. I wondered if, somehow, even in her dream, she could feel the electricity between us.
When she flipped around yet again to face me, her eyes were open. I froze. She smiled sleepily at me.
Well, here it is. The moment I hoped would never happen, had no way to predict. But then she closed her eyes again, still smiling and mumbling something about questions. She thought she was still dreaming.
I really should leave… It was agony. Both the human and the monster enjoyed the current flowing between us, but for very different reasons. The monster—the part I was most afraid of—was far from tame. I was here, wasn’t I? And Bella, in her most defenseless state… I could see myself so easily making a mistake. It would just take such a little slip, really.
I shuddered at the thought.
But my human side—and this the source of my confusion—enjoyed the proximity for an entirely different reason. It was—in no small part—because of this that I gave in and drew close to her now. It wanted to be in control.
I wanted to be in control, because I loved her and didn’t want that to mean I had to leave her. I was a fool to chance it like this. Worse than a fool… I tried not to think of the word that described what I was. And yet, it was the other reason I came into her room at night. The human reason. I wanted to get used to the burn, the pull. The agonizing thirst. To force the monster into submission.
But it seemed to be disquieting her sleep, so I moved back to the rocking chair and reluctantly let my mind follow this path I have so recklessly embarked on to its potential conclusions. There were the two Alice saw, and one of them, I knew, was getting less likely all the time… but I must never let my guard down.
Constant vigilance.
And the other was unacceptable to me. How could she see only two endings? There must be a third. A better one for Bella. A way to love her and still keep her human.
I could never love her the way she deserved. The way a human should be loved. Because I was not human.
Still, I would love her all of her life, even if she didn’t choose me. I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t, of course, but I would let her choose. For the rest of her life, she could have as much or as little of me as she wanted. And when she was gone… humans have such a short life, really.
No matter. I couldn’t go on after that. All I could do then would be to annihilate my existence and hope for oblivion, or if I was lucky… if there really was any mercy for me…
Ah, but that train of thought only succeeded in depressing me. It was so much easier to push all thoughts from my mind, all worries, doubts, fears… and simply let myself be absorbed in the moment. Irresponsible. But oh, well. Hell and all that. Might as well embrace it.
But at least, I could be her guardian like no one else could. And I might as well enjoy hearing her call my name, and wondering what role I played in the substance of her dreams…
In the early morning hours I finally took pity on both her and myself and exited out her window.
But before I left, I hovered over her still-restless form, unable to pull myself from watching the twitching of her lips, wondering what she was saying. My hand moved toward her face, but I stopped and let it hover there, no more mistakes… the voice was getting weaker all the time… nevertheless, I did not touch her lip as I wanted to, but let it drift over to her hair, splayed out on the pillow. I touched it, reticently reached under it, let it spill over my fingers. And then instantly, I was gone.
I went home to get my car. Again, I had no need to see my family, tried to avoid them. I didn’t need any reinforcements of my stupidity by way of Rosalie. But even worse than the insults, Alice would be pleased. The more reckless I was with Bella, the more pleased she became, it seemed.
I waited around the corner for Charlie to leave, and then I pulled my car into her driveway. I let the car idle as I waited in eager anticipation. Today was my day. I would get to ask the questions. I would see how many answers I could predict, how many I could get right. It would be my own little game. If I couldn’t get inside her mind, I would get as close as possible.
I was still arranging the questions in my mind as she stepped from her house and walked up to my car. She paused a moment by the door before letting herself in; I felt my grip tighten on the wheel as I waited. What was going through her mind? I peered up at her face through the window to try to get a read on her, still not accustomed to these roundabout ways. Her face was wavering on mild panic, as if in only moments she would be Addressing the Nation, or something equally horrifying. And I also noticed the tired appearance of her features. I bit down on my cheek to stop myself from grinning broadly, transforming it into what I hoped was a smile of greeting.
“Good morning,” I said when she finally climbed inside. “How are you today?” I infused my question with meaning. Her eyes were puffy, poor girl.
“Good, thank you.” She smiled, and it seemed to take quite an effort.
“You look tired,” I suggested, gently.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said, and swung her hair around to cover her face.
I turned the key in the ignition, not even trying to hold back the grin that time. “Neither could I.” I stretched my arm over the top of her seat as I backed out.
She laughed. It was a wonderful sound, that laughter… though I still detected perhaps a bit of nervous energy.
“I guess that’s right,” she finally said. “I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did.”
“I’d wager you did.”
“So what did you do last night?”
A short bark of laughter escaped me. Oh, I don’t think so, sweetheart. What would she think if I actually told her? Oh, I was in your room, didn’t you know? I was right next to your bed, in fact, thinking how it would feel if I touched you, wanting to feel the burn again in not just my throat but on my skin too…
“Not a chance,” I answered instead, “It’s my day to ask the questions.”
“Oh that’s right,” she said. She glanced at me uncertainly and the crease between her eyes puckered in that endearing way. “What do you want to know?”
I searched my mind for which question I should start off with. It was a fairly precise list. I planned to start with the easy ones, the ice-breakers. Warm her up, and see how well I could guess at the trivial. Favorite color… my guess? Blue. It was a silly wish, perhaps, but I hoped I could guess right.
“What’s your favorite color?”
She actually had the audacity to roll her eyes at my question but she humored me, anyway. “It changes from day to day.”
So this is how she’s going to play.
“What’s your favorite color today?” I pressed.
“Probably brown.”
I almost laughed out loud—from surprise if nothing else—and my attempts to hold back resulted in a snort. “Brown?” I looked at the brown turtleneck she was wearing (much more elegant than yesterday’s sweater, incidentally, and the way it clung…) and wondered if she merely gave an easy, thoughtless answer.
“Sure,” she said. “Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that’s supposed to be brown—tree trunks, rocks, dirt—is all covered up with squashy green stuff here.”
I looked at her longer than I knew she was comfortable with while I was driving. But finally, I felt I’d caught some small glimpse inside.
Personally, I loved all the green, loved all signs of vibrant life in this existence I lived in, which, up until recently, had no life, no vitality.
But as I looked at her now, I was almost at one with her thoughts. Her hair, her eyes, the way her gaze alone delved deep into my long frozen being and somehow warmed my long frozen heart.
“You’re right,” I agreed. “Brown is warm.” Without thinking, I reached out and touched her hair, wanting to feel the silky smoothness once more against my stone skin. I hesitated, suddenly realizing this was something she didn’t know I had done before. Playing at nonchalance, I tucked a few strands gently behind her shoulder.
I could have stared forever at her, but as necessities always arose, I paid attention to my driving for a moment so I could park my car in the empty slot next to Rosalie’s.
Next question.
Music. Another easy one, I already knew she liked the classics. This time, however, I would not give her the chance to edit her answer.
“What music is in your CD player right now?” Let her sidestep that one.
When she silently confessed it was Linkin Park, I couldn’t help but smile.
I opened the compartment under my CD player and quickly selected the CD I hoped it was. I had quite a stack, but my lightning-quick reflexes didn’t disappoint.
“Debussy to this?”
I could see by her expression that I’d chosen well.
For the rest of the day, she was a willing—though occasionally diffident—participant to my endless stream of carefully prepared questions.
I liked to imagine I was getting better at guessing her answers as time went on, though I would occasionally find myself at a complete loss.
For example, when I asked a question that unexpectedly made her blush, it triggered my insatiable curiosity and sent me off on a whole new torrent of questions.
The question that made her blush was when I merely asked her what her favorite subject in school was, anticipating perhaps History—with her love of all things classical. That’s when she flushed. What about that question could embarrass her? I had to know. After probing, she finally, timidly, admitted it was Biology. When I hoped I understood the reason for her lovely reddening, I was very pleased. More specifically, the monster was pleased, even if the human was not.
Then, a little later, I asked her if she liked perfume, and what her favorite scent was (I had never smelled any perfume on her, but perhaps it was lost in her other, more potent, scent). Well, she blushed again, her eyes darting to the leather jacket slung over my arm. That confused me, but I probed no deeper. I worried that it was the cologne of some love interest she once had. Maybe I didn’t want to know.
My personal favorite answer of the day came when I was going through a line of rapid questioning where she seemed to fire off the first answer that hastened to her mind. I’d asked her what her favorite gemstone was and she immediately threw out Topaz, but then, as if in afterthought, blushed.
I absolutely had to know what about that embarrassed her. This was just too implausible a reaction to be ignored. I wondered how hard I would have to push to get it out of her.
I wasn’t going to take my chances. I turned on all the powers of persuasion I possessed, for they’d never failed me before, and I let my voice drop to its soft, almost liquid tone; I put pleading into my eyes, my voice…
She would not even look at me. I summoned everything I had. I tilted my head in hopes that she might spare me a glance. One more time—I begged.
It worked on everyone else walking by us in the hallway. They were captivated, boys and girls alike. I shook my head, trying to tune out their thoughts. But amazingly, Bella resisted. What is wrong with her?
I tried another tactic.
“Tell me,” I demanded, putting hard edged threats into my voice now.
She finally relented. “It’s the color of your eyes today,” she said in a hushed voice. Still, she wouldn’t look me in the eyes—which was probably good, because I was smiling. I was about to go on to the next question, but I was distracted by the way she used her finger to twirl a lock of hair. In my momentary preoccupation, she continued, “I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I’d say onyx.”
I took a disconcerting amount of pleasure in her discomfort and tried very hard not to laugh. I knew that would not make this any easier for her, and I wanted more of these admissions in the future. The best course of action would be to move on to the next question like it didn’t faze me at all.
“What kinds of flowers do you prefer?” Alice would be disappointed if I didn’t ask that one.
We continued in this way until I heard Mr. Banner’s thoughts just outside the Biology classroom. It took all I had not to moan out loud.
The video was to be continued. Tomorrow too, apparently. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I could handle the darkness again. That ever-tempting undercurrent of electricity that I knew would begin to flow with ever greater intensity…
Isn’t that what you want? The monster asked me.
But I knew that an excess of that pulsating energy could have the opposite effect. Instead of growing used to it, it would send me over the edge. My resolve might suddenly, inexplicably crack. And then it would be all over.
I sighed inwardly and scooted my chair just a little further away from Bella. Not that I could go far. Not that it would help at all.
Eternal torment. That’s what I was doomed to suffer.
I fought with these thoughts all through the movie, staring at Bella the entire time. I was conflicted, tormented above anything I had previously experienced before now… before some twisted fate placed a vulnerable innocent so unmercifully in the path of a predator.
A lamb in the path of a lion.
Bella never so much as glanced my direction for the duration of the movie. She seemed to really be watching it… intently. Didn’t she feel this? Maybe she was genuinely interested in the video—one could only hope. Whether that one hoping was me, or not, entirely depended on which side I was vacillating on in that fraction of a second.
She finally looked at me when the movie was over and the lights were turned back on. She smiled tentatively, but I could not read what was underneath the expression. So much for the hope that all these questions would ever get me inside her head.
My chair flew back as I stood to walk her to her next class. We walked in silence; I was still preoccupied with my tormenting thoughts, and she, for whatever reason, made no effort to converse. Maybe she was still thinking about the movie.
I hated to leave her as we stood in front of the gym doors. And then, when I heard her heart begin to speed up, and watched as her breathing picked up its pace almost imperceptibly, I was done for. Any resolve I felt before, concerning whether or not I would ever touch her again, was gone.
I had to touch her. I could never make myself leave her (in spite of my more noble intentions). And if I could never make myself leave her, then I could never make myself not touch her.
Torment. Pain.
I raised my hand, with deliberation this time—if I was going to do this I needed to be in complete control—and stroked her face with the back of my fingers down the length of her jaw.
Again, the flesh burned. Not just hers, but mine. Even with the back of my fingers I could feel her pulse speed, I could hear her vibrant heart… pounding. Pounding life through her veins—singing, urging, calling for me.
Enough. Wordlessly, I had to walk away.
I managed to pull myself together somewhat during English. I was beginning to hope again. Hope that maybe… given enough time and experience, I could control my reaction to the burning, both in my throat and what still lingered on my skin. I began to think that perhaps, though I did not believe for a second that the desire would ever lessen, I could control my reaction to that desire.
I remembered back to the days when I was a newborn, and how it was so impossible, then, to control my bloodlust. Look how far I’ve come from that.
I looked around myself and smirked at the thought. I would never have believed that one day I would be sitting here now, in a room full of warm, human bodies, some merely inches away from me, and feel almost no desire for them. Or, more accurately, a very small desire… nearly eradicated by another, more potent one. But still, if you took Bella’s blood out of the equation, it was nonetheless quite impressive that I was able to control myself in this situation.
Poor guy. In spite of the noises of all the thoughts surrounding me, Emmett’s had a way of piercing straight into mine.
It’s like he’s being tortured or something. Like, with one of them wicked torture devices… I know, the rack. And then he proceeded to produce a mental image of me, on a rack. Or going through the most major case of manic depression ever. That or split personality what-the-hell.
Where are you Edward!?
That one he meant to shoot at me.
I sighed, reflecting on how accurate his assessments probably were.
I had to face it someday, Emmett wasn’t the only one worried about me. It was the opinion of my entire family, and I knew it couldn’t go on like this for long, for me or for them. I would have to decide what I was going to do. Though, I knew it wasn’t really a decision at all. It was a cruel joke the universe was playing on me.
By the time I was walking to meet Bella after English, I’d made up my mind that the only choice I really had was to continue on this path I had been placed on… cautiously. There was no way but forward. I only hoped to know what to do with the lamb when I arrived by her side. The danger wasn’t gone. In fact the opposite seemed to be true. It was more present than ever… in some ways getting even stronger. And I also knew that like many things, it would probably get worse before it got better. I would just continue to hope for better. And in the meantime… constant vigilance.
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